One more box ticked.

One more box ticked, one more comparison completed. Another one in a long list of comparisons in which I don't come out on top. Been pretty much like that since June 2010. I keep telling myself perhaps I am making wrong comparisons in terms of who or what I am comparing myself, my work or the country I live with. I never seem to get a clear answer on whether the comparison is correct. At the end of the day, I am the one driving 15 kilometers to work and driving the same distance back and the only thing that fatigues me other than the drive, is the hollowness inside, the feeling that I am not doing justice to my capabilities. The fact that I am going deeper into the physical and mental lethargy from which it might be impossible to pull myself out if the opportunity to go to sensible work arises (ever).
But honestly, what is my complaint with myself? I don't enjoy my days. Not a single day do I wake up with a good feeling about myself. It's interesting how easy it is to let time fly by without really doing anything. Reminds me of a line from Kipling's 'IF'  - " If you can fill the unforgiving minute, with 60 seconds worth of distance run...". Well I am not running, not just now but ever. I guess I have stopped running since the day I graduated from business school. Life has been equally rewarding, just as rewarding as it's expected to be when it comes to lazy people with lazy minds.
I wish people actually got a rank when they died, the rank at which they finished. It would be interesting to see your projected rankings slowly dwindle and fall till you fall off all the charts where you were being tagged and finally reach a point when only things like emotions and other such random mish-mash is left in your life and then you died. I wonder how great it would feel to finish on top. I wish I knew how to finish near the top. I wish I worked a little harder, or maybe a little smarter.
And when I finish writing this, the conformist in me will proofread this post, dot the 'i's, cross the 't's and finally hesitate a couple of times before pressing the orange 'Publish' button, but will finally do it. Once it's on the net, it will never be read or commented up, while I pack my bag, drive my car listening to the radio and cursing random drivers on the way home. Pick up the wife from one of India's top neuroscience research institutes where she's trying to get to the root of a major causes of Autism. We'll get home and she'll be subjected to my mute pent-up frustration. We'll talk about things that don't matter and discuss Masterchef Australia, have our dinner and try and sleep it off. Just that, we won't be able to sleep it off and when the sun rises tomorrow, we'll set out to live today once again.And again, and again....

2 comments:

kray said...

wow! aren't you cheerful :)

cliche time. why wait for the perfect moment when there's so much fun to be had in the imperfect ones?

Saikat Banerjee said...

Spent a week at home during Durga Puja... pretty close to perfect it was!

How have you been?